Quote #7 - All quotes
"There's definitely some pride in getting detention for doing the Nutbush in class." - David Sanguineti
"There's definitely some pride in getting detention for doing the Nutbush in class." - David Sanguineti
The fifth excrement (1997)
I suppose I should review something this time. The Fifth element has been selected out of the millions of sci-fi films out there to go through the SHIT DETECTOR! This movie was released back in the dinosaur age of 1997, despite this the movie has somehow survived through to today and is still being watched. (By my English class! Yes I know, it is fucking sad!) 
The movie was directed by a prick called Luc Besson who has in his career written several sci-fi films. Not one of them got any real success, with bullshit detectors around the world blaring when another one was released. This did not happen for some reason for The Fifth Element, with the world remaining calm throughout its release.
From the start of the movie, it is quite easy to tell that this is going to be shit, the only thing that remains undecided is to what extent the film is shit
. The story starts of in outer space, just outside Earth. The film then jumps to a pair of archaeologists that are examining some Egyptians relics. They find some scratching on a cheap prop which the professor says is ritual that saves life. The spaceship then lands and scares the professor to death (picture a bullshit alarm going off!) the "�Guardians' then take some weird metal statue and some stones, the other bloke then pulls out a gun (which was not used by the fucking British! And it was not automatic!) which manages to seal one of them in the temple. The poor bastard gives a random man the key to the temple and the shit takes a break. 
The shit comes back on again in 300 years when "�Evil' returns. (Another high level bullshit warning) A space-carrier then fires at evil, which causes it to grow and swallow the carrier, due to the general shitting himself. The story then crosses in-between the high-priest who believes this shit, Zorg a really bad accented, cock-sucking dickhead with a fucked up comb over and Korben Dallas, a retired space fighter pilot. Korben gets mugged. This scene is shit, Shit, SHIT! The mugger apart from being drugged cannot be understood, he instantly shits himself when CD raises a gun to him, even though he is still holding a gun and the cat+tv section is...
The story then takes the very boring and just as predictable track where good must defeat evil. The guardians are returning but get shot down by some fucking ugly cunts that look like they are wanking! Seriously! Despite this, the twist in events by this is actually a decent twist and unlike the rest of the movie, not that predictable.
The good form of shit then continues with a survivor of the crash the Supreme Being, being reconstructed. (The Supreme Being a ranga? Really, the person should have come with capsicum, anchovies and cheese!) The ranga the runs out of a very cheap set and somehow uses the magic of Hollywood (or just plain bullshit) to survive a fall of 50+ metres into CD's cab.
CD then takes the ranga to the priest, then gets told to piss off. Zorg in the meantime is searching for the stones, after the fucking ugly cunts bring back an empty box, steal some weapons and then blow themselves back to hell when they press the mystery button. Again this is ... However, smart mercenary thinking by Zorg, I do actually like that part and it is the most realistic explosion of the entire film.
The rest of the characters then centre around CD as he was the recipient of the bullshit, umm not that, the Cosmos radio contest as he has two tickets to Fhloston paradise (no that is not a spelling error, just an author error.). The priests shitty assistant, the fucking ugly cunts and Zorg's cock-sucker are all trying to pass for Korben Dallas while the biggest shit known to me enters.
The fuckwit, arsehole, dickhead, cock-sucker, whatever you want to call Chris Tucker's character he is the lowest possible shit you can find. The prick not only dresses like he is as bent Pakistani cricket player, he does not just annoy the living shit out of anyone who is listening with his totally fucked up techno shit voice, he acts like he is king shit. The only difference is that the king has nothing to do with it, meaning his character is thoroughly fucking ...
The lead up to the flight and the flight is shiiiiiiit. It is just random crap that the movie could have done without. (If fact it is over 2 hours long, making the torture long and extremely painful.) That is basically it for about five minutes until Korben loses Leeloo (1. whatever the fuck it is and 2. that is a good thing, not a bad thing.)
The shit then comes back with a massive stench worse than German Mustard gas. The Diva whose name is similar to that of the mountain in the fish tank of Nemo (mount wantahackaloogie) then appears, the first viewing is not as bad, she does not say anything, but looks the be surrounded by zombies.
The second viewing is where the weird blue floating crap starts to sing an opera. (Yes, you can say OH FUCK!) The singing is scene is switched in and out with some un-fucking-believable (not the good way.) fighting with the RANG-RANG-RANG-RANGA. (sorry that was my chainsaw!) The worst part is where the diva goes techno 
or whatever you want to call it (fucking worse or shit to really shit are both suitable descriptions). The shit level over-flows for a brief period until she is shot! If you ever watch this happen, you will know the feeling of true happiness!
The next scene is full of guns, explosions, shit fighting scenes and not hot women, after quote Slicma55 "the sex (CD) offender was seen fingering what was left of the blue dipshits bellybutton"� very good description. The scene was disappointing to say the very fucking least. Not much is worth giving the time it takes to write or type this stuff so we will instantly jump off a bridge if we have to watch it again and skip to where happiness lies again when the stupid fucking (supposedly) Texan talking arsehole gets sent back to hell in a piss-poor explosion.
The story then ends with the predictable ending of good over evil. Blah-fucking-blah.
To put it the best way possible this film is"�
..... SSHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTT!
I think I know why, this film is FRENCH!!! If you do not know what this means, visit New Zealand in the lounge and it will explain everything. This film is a serious contender for my polished shit of the year award.
No matter what your OPINION is Doctor, no Professor, this film is probably the biggest pile of shit the world has ever known. DO NOT WATCH IT, even if only for your sake, DO NOT WATCH IT. THIS IS BIO-HAZARD GRADE SHIT!
To end the suffering, I will comment on two comments made regarding the film. "Why has Luc Besson not written any more sci-fi films like this?"� The simple answer is that he has not sniffed the same amount of crack needed to believe shit like this is actually worth anything. "The Fifth Excrement."� This comment is a perfect description of the film, it got 1/10 from this comment. I am annoyed at the rating system. I still think (and think correctly) that one star is far too generous a rating for this film.
So until my bullshit detector and I fully recover from this... which could be a while...
Posted by Magp1es on November 7th 2011 | 0 comments | Tweet
I suppose I should review something this time. The Fifth element has been selected out of the millions of sci-fi films out there to go through the SHIT DETECTOR! This movie was released back in the dinosaur age of 1997, despite this the movie has somehow survived through to today and is still being watched. (By my English class! Yes I know, it is fucking sad!) The movie was directed by a prick called Luc Besson who has in his career written several sci-fi films. Not one of them got any real success, with bullshit detectors around the world blaring when another one was released. This did not happen for some reason for The Fifth Element, with the world remaining calm throughout its release.
From the start of the movie, it is quite easy to tell that this is going to be shit, the only thing that remains undecided is to what extent the film is shit
. The story starts of in outer space, just outside Earth. The film then jumps to a pair of archaeologists that are examining some Egyptians relics. They find some scratching on a cheap prop which the professor says is ritual that saves life. The spaceship then lands and scares the professor to death (picture a bullshit alarm going off!) the "�Guardians' then take some weird metal statue and some stones, the other bloke then pulls out a gun (which was not used by the fucking British! And it was not automatic!) which manages to seal one of them in the temple. The poor bastard gives a random man the key to the temple and the shit takes a break. The shit comes back on again in 300 years when "�Evil' returns. (Another high level bullshit warning) A space-carrier then fires at evil, which causes it to grow and swallow the carrier, due to the general shitting himself. The story then crosses in-between the high-priest who believes this shit, Zorg a really bad accented, cock-sucking dickhead with a fucked up comb over and Korben Dallas, a retired space fighter pilot. Korben gets mugged. This scene is shit, Shit, SHIT! The mugger apart from being drugged cannot be understood, he instantly shits himself when CD raises a gun to him, even though he is still holding a gun and the cat+tv section is...
The story then takes the very boring and just as predictable track where good must defeat evil. The guardians are returning but get shot down by some fucking ugly cunts that look like they are wanking! Seriously! Despite this, the twist in events by this is actually a decent twist and unlike the rest of the movie, not that predictable.
The good form of shit then continues with a survivor of the crash the Supreme Being, being reconstructed. (The Supreme Being a ranga? Really, the person should have come with capsicum, anchovies and cheese!) The ranga the runs out of a very cheap set and somehow uses the magic of Hollywood (or just plain bullshit) to survive a fall of 50+ metres into CD's cab.
CD then takes the ranga to the priest, then gets told to piss off. Zorg in the meantime is searching for the stones, after the fucking ugly cunts bring back an empty box, steal some weapons and then blow themselves back to hell when they press the mystery button. Again this is ... However, smart mercenary thinking by Zorg, I do actually like that part and it is the most realistic explosion of the entire film.
The rest of the characters then centre around CD as he was the recipient of the bullshit, umm not that, the Cosmos radio contest as he has two tickets to Fhloston paradise (no that is not a spelling error, just an author error.). The priests shitty assistant, the fucking ugly cunts and Zorg's cock-sucker are all trying to pass for Korben Dallas while the biggest shit known to me enters.
The fuckwit, arsehole, dickhead, cock-sucker, whatever you want to call Chris Tucker's character he is the lowest possible shit you can find. The prick not only dresses like he is as bent Pakistani cricket player, he does not just annoy the living shit out of anyone who is listening with his totally fucked up techno shit voice, he acts like he is king shit. The only difference is that the king has nothing to do with it, meaning his character is thoroughly fucking ...
The lead up to the flight and the flight is shiiiiiiit. It is just random crap that the movie could have done without. (If fact it is over 2 hours long, making the torture long and extremely painful.) That is basically it for about five minutes until Korben loses Leeloo (1. whatever the fuck it is and 2. that is a good thing, not a bad thing.)
The shit then comes back with a massive stench worse than German Mustard gas. The Diva whose name is similar to that of the mountain in the fish tank of Nemo (mount wantahackaloogie) then appears, the first viewing is not as bad, she does not say anything, but looks the be surrounded by zombies.
The second viewing is where the weird blue floating crap starts to sing an opera. (Yes, you can say OH FUCK!) The singing is scene is switched in and out with some un-fucking-believable (not the good way.) fighting with the RANG-RANG-RANG-RANGA. (sorry that was my chainsaw!) The worst part is where the diva goes techno
or whatever you want to call it (fucking worse or shit to really shit are both suitable descriptions). The shit level over-flows for a brief period until she is shot! If you ever watch this happen, you will know the feeling of true happiness!The next scene is full of guns, explosions, shit fighting scenes and not hot women, after quote Slicma55 "the sex (CD) offender was seen fingering what was left of the blue dipshits bellybutton"� very good description. The scene was disappointing to say the very fucking least. Not much is worth giving the time it takes to write or type this stuff so we will instantly jump off a bridge if we have to watch it again and skip to where happiness lies again when the stupid fucking (supposedly) Texan talking arsehole gets sent back to hell in a piss-poor explosion.
The story then ends with the predictable ending of good over evil. Blah-fucking-blah.
To put it the best way possible this film is"�
..... SSHHHHHIIIIIIIIIITTT!
I think I know why, this film is FRENCH!!! If you do not know what this means, visit New Zealand in the lounge and it will explain everything. This film is a serious contender for my polished shit of the year award.
No matter what your OPINION is Doctor, no Professor, this film is probably the biggest pile of shit the world has ever known. DO NOT WATCH IT, even if only for your sake, DO NOT WATCH IT. THIS IS BIO-HAZARD GRADE SHIT!
To end the suffering, I will comment on two comments made regarding the film. "Why has Luc Besson not written any more sci-fi films like this?"� The simple answer is that he has not sniffed the same amount of crack needed to believe shit like this is actually worth anything. "The Fifth Excrement."� This comment is a perfect description of the film, it got 1/10 from this comment. I am annoyed at the rating system. I still think (and think correctly) that one star is far too generous a rating for this film.
So until my bullshit detector and I fully recover from this... which could be a while...
Posted by Magp1es on November 7th 2011 | 0 comments | Tweet